Misadventures in English

I am surprised that among the responses from readers to the columns I write every Friday, the most have been to my pieces about our lapses in the English language.

This must mean that there are many of us who are keen to find out where we make language slips and want to know they can corrected.

What other reason can there be, other than that some of the mistakes are quite funny?

Last week, I received in the post requests to write such pieces regularly. I am no language expert, so I shall be happy to do the occasional one.

Two columns ago, I also pointed out a banner in Bishan with poor English.

I am not picking on Bishan. I happen to live there, so I get to see these public displays, such as this one near Junction 8 about an essay competition.

Urging students to take part, the words say: "Make a difference with your write." "Write-up" should have been the word.

Then I saw this food stall sign that read "Smoking Duck" in a food court on Bras Basah Road. I knew, of course, what it had intended to mean.

I wanted to go up to the stall owner to tell him that a smoking duck conjures up many pictures in my mind. One is that of a duck with a cigar in its beak, puffing away, the other of a duck that got burnt while being roasted.

Or it could describe the foul mood of the fowl - miffed at being trussed up, seasoned and hung over coals so that its gastronomic enjoyment of human beings.

But one never knows how such unsolicited advice might be taken, the owner might just ask me not to be too "keh Khiang" (clever by half) and to mind my own business, just as he was so successfully minding his.

That might leave me red-faced, if not roasted.

Not far from this food court many years ago, I saw a sign outside a Chinese estaurant on North Bridge Road, offering a very special price for "sucking pigs".

I have come across the word "suckling" used wrongly. A mother suckles her baby. This means she feeds the infant from her breast. I have heard some say the baby suckles the mother.

I guess this error is understandable as "suckles" is a verb that does suggest the act of sucking, but doesn't specify who does it. But English is weird this way and users just have to be informed and to remember.

For example, if "sanguine" means confident or optimistic, it would be quite logical for someone to think that a sanguinary person is someone in possession of these bright qualities. Yet, this word actually means murderous or blood-thirsty.

I also note that Singaporeans always say things such as: "Have you 'on' the air-con?" or "Remember to 'off' the fan when you leave."

And have we not often heard this: "Lend me your handphone, can or not?"

Answer: can.

Supplementary question: "Can also lend your pen?"

Answer: can also.

Or: "Have you been ever to Jurong BirdPark?"

Answer: ever.

Or: "Were you at Zouk last week?"

Answer: never.

"Ever" has taken the place of yes and "never" now means no.

These, to me are not examples of Singlish. They are just bad English.

One example of Singlish would be this: Wah liau, this chicken rice is really shiok.

I can live with that, but not all earlier examples.

Being careless with the meanings that words convey can lead to hilarious results.

The example I am about to give has been cited by me in a precious commentary elsewhere, but it is worth a repeat.

On top of a menu card in restaurant once saw these words: Cook yourself in Chinese steamboat.

Okay, but who'd be alive to

eat the meal afterwards?